My life with a mental illness part two.

So here I am what a few hours after my last post and I am sitting here just about ready to scream, throw things throw my relationship out the window and why, because I saw some stupid little comment he made on some strangers picture calling her cute or something, and I am just so out of control right now I want to cry which I just might do, why does he feel the need to make comments like that to some skiny little thing, something that obviously I'm not and will never be, maybe if I was he wouldn't feel the need to make comments like that to other people, why am I not good enough, is he always looking at other girls, flirting with them at work, how far has it gone? has he come home late once or twice because the flirting went farther. Am I really that hideous? I must be if he feels the need to do that, to look at other girls, if he wants to look at them then why doesn't he just leave me already so he can go and flirt with and sleep with those nasty things I am sure he's thought about it, he probably thinks about it all the time...I am worthless and useless and I'm not worthy nor do I deserve him or happiness I mean obviously I can't keep him happy if his eyes are wandering.

And this is the kind of crazy that I deal with all the time, over the tiniest things, you would think writing it out would help but nope still I sit here upset.

My life with a mental Illness...

Ok so since I can't quite figure out how to make different catergories yet, this will have to be on the main page, so if anyone doesn't want to read this then skip over it and continue onto the coupons blogs.
 So I figured, since there isn't alot of people out there who will admit it let alone talk about this illness that I would blog about it, my struggles daily with it, how it affects my everyday life and the people in it, in a way it's therapy for me to be able to get it all out and also maybe to help other people understand it. Here it goes.

 So I am what you call BPD meaning Borderline Personality Disorder. here is a paragraph from borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com explaining what it is so you all get an idea of what it's like.
 "

what is borderline personality disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious and often life-threatening disorder that is characterized by severe emotional pain and difficulties managing emotions. The problems associated with BPD include impulsivity (including suicidality and self-harm), severe negative emotion such as anger and/or shame, chaotic relationships, an extreme fear of abandonment, and accompanying difficulties maintaining a stable and accepting sense of self. Thus, BPD is characterized by pervasive instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and actions, often negatively affecting loved ones, family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity."

Sounds like alot of fun eh? everyday is horrible, it's a constant struggle trying to keep myself in check which is an impossible task, I have had this for as long as I can remember, but only recently after having my son did I talk to my Dr. about some things, I didn't tell him everything until a couple months ago, at which time he wrote a referal to a shrink, who gave me the diagnosis I have known for so long. I knew I couldn't handle it anymore with my kids I could see myself turning into my mother (my whole mother's side suffers from Mental Illness's) and I refused to have my kids go through it, even though sadly some days they do.


So I think this is long enough for now, and it gives everyone an idea of what it's like, but I am going to blog about it, what goes through my head what mood I'm in, It's such a nasty thing to try and live with, and I want to try and help educate people on it maybe someone they know or love is sufferering and maybe this will help.